The Lost Little One

I wrote this quite a long while ago and I kept procrastinating on posting this. Hahahahaha... so sorry~ Anyways, here you go.

Genre : Family.

        

           There is a saying that goes “do what you want to do, speak what you want to say before you miss your chances”. It’s telling us to live our lives to the fullest and prevent ourselves from regretting something that we have no courage to do. That quote has always been kept in my heart. Even though I fully understand what it meant, it doesn’t mean I have the courage to do as it said. Yes, I’m probably the biggest coward, I am afraid that things would change, not for the best but worst. 

            I am the youngest in my family, I know for a fact that both my parents love me like any parents would to their own child. I have two elder brothers, most would think that having brothers meant that they would protect and play with you like those in the stories or movies. However, I was and am not close to either of my brothers, we rarely even talk to each other, it’s like we’re all familiar strangers living under the same roof. Maybe in a way they love me…. in their very special way.

            The reason for this is probably because of our age differences. Our age gaps are too far apart, maybe in their eyes I’m just a childish and annoying little girl. They might even think that I am a nuisance, the one that stole our parents’ attention. Since young, I have been living with my nanny until the age of 5. After that, attending my primary school has taken most of my time away from my family. I would always arrive in school early in the morning and reached home late in the night. I barely had any time to spend with my brothers.

            It never did strike my mind that our relationship is worse than what normal family has. The only time I remember I ever spend my time with them was watching them playing video games. That was probably the best moment I had with my brothers. It was then I realized our relationship isn’t as close as I hope it will be. And after 19 years since I’ve been born, I did not try as hard as I should to change that. 

           I did try step by step, trying to increase our familiarity with each but every time they replied, I chickened out. I am not as strong as I wanted to be, I get hurt easily hearing their cold replies. I can just understand my existence is a nuisance to them by just looking at their expressions. Every time this happens, I could feel myself wanting to break down and say “ I am sorry” for so many things : sorry that I was born, sorry that I cause any harm, sorry for being your sister. I am sorry.

            The closest person I have is my mother, because my parents were not in good terms with each other since I’m young. My mum is a friend, a mother but she could never be a brother. Many people would thought that I was an only child, I feel like I’ve been living like I am too. During my birthdays, they rarely wished me but they did this year, it’s an improvement right.?

            My aunty has her family that consists of 3 sons and a daughter. Her eldest son is the same age as my big brother, her second son is the same age as my second brother, her third son is the same age as me and her daughter is 2 years younger than me. However, their relationship with each other are much much more closer compare to us. They tease each other, take care of their little sister, talk with each other and held each other secrets too.

            I was jealous, wondering why I couldn’t have what they had. Even if I knew life is unfair, not perfect but still I kept on hoping that one day it will change. But life is not a fairy tale, hoping and wishing alone will not help at all. I wanted them to treat me like a little sister in a normal family would.

            One day, I was admitted to the hospital. My family did not know what happened to me. I did not know either, but I always had a feeling that this would happen someday. I don’t know why, call it sixth sense. My mum was with me the whole time, my dad and brothers were working and going through their usual life routine. I was scared yet I understand, I accepted the fact quite well when the doctor said I was diagnosed with leukemia which is already in the advance stage. My mum, however, was in shocked, taking it rather hard and couldn’t stop crying. 

            Somehow I was able to convince my mum to not tell my family about my condition even though she was very reluctant about it. Just inform them it’s some minor sickness that needed to be attend to. I thought having a sickness that can cause death will encourage me to do what I always wanted to. But I thought wrong because I’m truly a coward. Even on the blink of death, I couldn’t tell them, “I love you”, it was on the tip of my tongue. Maybe it’s better this way, I shouldn’t be born anyways. I probably screwed everything up just by being alive, so I might as well leave.

            It might seemed weird for someone that knows she’s dying to be so content about it but I am. It was probably because I don’t have much, I have nothing to keep me believing on living anyways. I felt empty yet content at the same time, it’s best if I leave.

            “ Goodbye…. “ I whispered. I love you guys.

            Before everything went dark and silent, I heard…

            “ Come, my lost little one.”

The End

Word count : 986

 ♛Shadow♛  ~